Real Talk Tuesday

The convo's that are happening today.....serious business and issues going on with a lot of folk. 2013 has been a big year but it gets taxing on the emotional level too.

When I'm Down......

 I can admit that as a man I try to handle things on my own....I dont like asking for help in personal matters cuz I feel like it's a burden on others. This goes triple for my family. They raised me. They shouldnt have to do anything for me now. My parents cant stand that I think like that....I dont know what my world would be like without their support.

Dealing With It.......

I feel like this period is what I was meant for. Not the stress and uncertainties of a relationship but the chase to be what I feel I'm supposed to be. My entire life I was told what folk foresaw for me. They saw success. And now as the environment around me shifts I'm trying to be just that. It's not easy, its quite hard, its frustrating, its full of self doubt, it's sprinkled with envy and questioning....it's already cost me thing that many have no idea of. I can't stop the pursuit but lord knows it takes a toll on me. I'm man.......but is it that simply a matter of my physical make up. Its a struggle, I must win.......no matter what.....

Holding It All Together

 What do you do to maintain your sanity? Walking that fine line between handling day to day business and snapping is more common a practice for me then most know. I have my own releases of stress. I don’t aim my negative and frustrations at others. My issues my problems need not be put to heavily on others. I can talk on my thoughts and feelings but the real brunt of it I willingly hold internally. Maybe a drink, more then likely a hard gym session, writing, etc…..In fact during a time of MASSIVE self reflection and overall introspective thoughts one of the things that gets me through are my people. The steady Blvd folk know how I do with my people. Be it Evita, Bright Eyes, Raven, Jillz, and many more. In truth I need my people cuz I don’t know if Jason alone is really that big a deal. To be allowed to aid in the various movements and progressive plans of these women does so much to keep my inner flame burning. 

What makes a man worth his salt? Is it the ability to provide? Is it finding a wife and forming a family. Is it the establishment of better business? To pull your self up by your own boot straps is a fundamental man point and while so much has advanced in this world some bare essentials still remain. I like to think I’m getting better with age….is that the truth or just a nice sounding excuse I’ve crafted for myself?  Maybe that why I savor all forms of appreciation because truthfully I’m feeling hella unaccomplished right now. 
 

“There’s nothing worse then wasted talent.” - Sonny LoSpecchio Bronx Tale

It's clearly that time.

It's funny every year around the same time I reach a point. It's a point of irritability when I'm prone to go off on things/people I'd usually let slide. This always happens within the first 2-3 months of the year.

You see I know a lot of females. As I was discussing to my boys over the weekend, as men we have our "guys", the few guys we're cool with and associate with. We don't need an army of guys around us socially. It's only nature that from that we end up with more female friends then male friends. I think that what comes with this at one time or another is slick talk....unwanted sarcasm....random b.s.....Ms.Independent ranting......etc,etc. If you know enough ladies you'll hear it eventually.

Now no ones perfect so 95% of the time I overlook it, rationalize it and let it go. Logical me processes and deals with things with the least confrontation needed. But when too much side talk comes at me during a short period of time the result been for swift and powerful.

I had a situation like that happen last night where an online associate came out her face through a indirect subliminal statement and I had to speak on it and call her out.I was direct and forceful but not disrespectful. In the end it made me think about how much shit I let slide for the sake of keeping the peace.

We have the right to say what we want but I think folk forget that that right isn't a protection from the reactions of those your speaking to and about. I wont question your right to say something. I'll just question the judgment in the substance of what was said.

But it's cool. It's a balance. I hold in a lot and at times it needs to get out. My job is over in less then 2 weeks time after which I have mini trips, spa sessions and other activities that will cool things out as I prepare for the next stage of things.

What do y'all do to refocus yourselves and handle the stresses of life especially those of the opposite sex?

Flat Tire....Hunger......Cassie's naked.......

...had blood drawn.That's been my morning thus far.

The day is trying to get my mood Salty.....

....it wont work. ;)

Season of Change

**Not Obama related**

It's been a funky week for me. I don't like saying things are bad because as I look around I can see that I'm very blessed in the grand scheme of things. With that being said I've had my heart, soul and mind put on alert this week and it warrants some legitimate thought and some levels of adjustment to see that certain events are not repeated. I feel like although it's only February, that I've been through a couple months already. So, lets break it down.

My soul is where my loyalty lies. It's a a tried and tested aspect of my character that has defined who I am BUT it's put me in twisted situations were I put myself in a negative space to better get someone else into a more positive space. This week a good friend that I've been holding down for years, through little club hustles, through jail and now into legit business.Needed a short term (36-48hr) loan of $400.It's the second time such a situation came up. Not for any B.S but trying to pursue his business.Last time he had the money and merely needed help making reservations cuz he has no credit card at the moment.It worked out well. This time it didn't.An intended short term loan turned into a situation that is still ongoing, looks like it'll be handled tomorrow, but due to the length of time this took it jammed me up on a few bills and added stress to the week that wasn't needed. My loyalty to a friend that didn't have his shit together cost me a lot this week. God provided a solution in the form of a caring friend (Thanks Batgirl) but I'm taking this as a lesson that I can no longer give all I have and out myself in a hole for everyone else. Cuz the fact is that for whatever reason, I don't get folk throwing themselves into my issues to save me so after years of giving I think God has told me that "Every time I say yes to something unimportant I'm saying no to something important" Lesson Learned.

My mind is a lil boggled with the instability of the economy. I'm seeing certain things creep closer and closer to home and its pushing me into action. I'm stepping up my schedule of preparation to make some real employment improvements. This is actually the easiest of all my stresses this week.

My heart has been in an odd place. I'm someone that thinks, thinks, over thinks, analysis's and reminisces. I've been having dreams and flasbacCs to past people and especially one that has had a very special place through A LOT of things that hurt me more then I ever let on. It's funny when I think of how long its been and this person's influence on me is still strong.Especially now with the lacC of communication and contact(in comparison to how things were). I don't know I just stay thinking and missing and wondering. I wonder if its mutual. Does she do anything remotely similar to what I'm doing? And for some reason I can't help but think she's not. She always been desired and I feel like that space that attention is most likely being provided by someone soooooo out of sight out of mind, maybe???? Who knows.....I wonder if y'all ladies rank ya men. I mean, not rank like it's a sport but clearly you feel stronger for some then others. What about on a more specific level. Do you ever say yeah he was the best kisser, bu the was a best hugger, he was the best conversationalist. I know when talking to a person directly you're not going to say THAT kind of thing. "Yeah Jason I like you but my other boyfriend was a lil better with that then you." So yeah it's usually pretty P.C in person but in that private space I think we all do it. I wonder if I'm #1 on any of her categories.....I admit to myself that the course of events that make up past with her effects me more then I let people in on. Love makes me nervous because every time I've loved or thought I was loved, I was front row for demotion and replacement. It suxx and I dont like how I hold on to those feelings. I've gotten over them but in the silence of the nite I don't know If I'll ever get past that, but I can admit that the need to know whats happening in her world is something I've learned to control better. Years ago I'd be flying thru the world wide web searching for answers. History tells me that when you go searching for things he'll usually find it. I don't need that....not again.So I work to remain still. I try my best.

My annual recharge is approaching and I really need it. In the end I believe that I'll make it through all this better, stronger, wiser.......that's the plan.

Remaining Focused......

The day ran long and I have some financially based stuff on my mind but I will not miss my cardio.11:50pm and time to start my Plyometrics.