My thoughts are so curious.......

Above is Curious George circa 1983. That's my first/favorite childhood toy.(That and my Snoopy blanket and yes I still have it).Anyway, Curious George just always clicC'd with me and how I thought. Always asking questions, always seeking knowledge and answers. The answers were easier bacC then. Not so much today......

I think I'm an ok guy. I dont lie to people don't disrespect people.I respect my elders and honor my females. At 27 years of age the topics seem to be money/career and relationships/family/future. I look around me and see my people having kids (CONGRATS Raff and Smiley), people moving and I start to think that perhaps I've moved a little slowly on a few fronts. In trying to build my own professional future I think I turned by head to other things I could have been doing to better my current position. I'm not in a bad place, but It could be better. BUT money matter are finite because a dollar is a dollar no matter how you get it.

On the other hand the emotional, social, relationship area has always been touchy for me. At eh core of this is that I'm not the average guy. I don't say that because I feel I'm the shit or better then people. But I simply don't operate like the basic guy. Sometimes I wonder as if that is my problem. If Had just told people what they wanted to hear would I be better off. Maybe if I demanded more instead of giving 200% of myself to people I'd be better off? Who knows? Perhaps I should have dated more? I was a late bloomer socially. As it stands I can look on my past and count my past serious relationships on 1 hand. 3, that's it. On 3 long fingers contain the VAST majority of events that have shaped my heart, psyche and mind state. And last nite I realized just how deeply certain things have effected me. I express myself in a very calculated way. I'm orderly and logical. Cold perhaps, unless you really get to know me. Yet beneath the surface, I'm soft and emotionally sensitive. Still the kid that was never liked by the pretty girls in school. I'm just housed in a much bigger man-like body.

3 former relationships, 3 loves of a different nature. All had good times and all had moments of pain that still hang with me. And while I'm technically over and have accepted many things. I would be a bold faced liar to say that my certain ways of dealing with people aren't based on what I've experienced. One of my big internal issues is the idea inadequacy. That idea that even though I'm told how much I'm loved or how great I am. That the moment I start to believe it I get thrown bacC to earth, bacC to reality by someone else poppin' up and getting away my happiness. I think about those that I've told that I love. I think about them a lot. I always told myself that I would never be the "EX". I would never be the "HIM" that sparked the ugly "why didn't we work out" phone convo's.I would never be the guy that didnt know when to step off. If such I conversation would happen(which they have) it would be more calm and more adult. I never wanted to be the guy that I hear so much about from other female friends.

Unfortunately, on the flip side of that is the fact that I have a very curious mind. I'm not going to lie and say otherwise, over the years I remain curious of what the people I've dealt with are doing and more some who their dealing with. There's no Malice or ill will behind it. I just like knowing whats going on with any person that I can honestly say I love. I used to torture myself with this is years past. In my silence I'd revisit past emails and daily visit myspace pages and blogs to keep up with what was happening. I willing broke my heart again and again for years cuz my relationships ended in ways that didn't make sense to me. People say men don't cry well fucC that. I soaked the pillows a few times over these situations. I did this up until....hmmmm.....early 2007 or so. I had to tell myself something to stop the process. The fact is......it's over.People more on.I think to my past and say "I've been blessed to have shared time with beautiful people but they're going about their business." Even today I have to stop myself before doing it again. And this damn internet doesn't help. I'm sure there's info out there on some blog or website with words that can still cut me on some level.Just cuz a person loves me doesn't mean I'm the only person in there world.

In the process of going on with me life. I miss them. The hugs, kisses moments of intimacy, secret moments that only make sense to us. And until I find my life partner it may always hurt to think/know/speculate/assume that your former(s) has moved on. But hey, I'm not that special. No ones world stops spinning cuz I'm no longer in the picture. I wonder if assholes feel the same things I do? Naw I doubt it cuz from observation it seems that assholes get more chances to make mistakes then I do. Maybe I'm just a sucker in a decent pacCage, ready to jump to everyone's side then in the end I have to fend for myself.

These feelings aren't new. They're twisted, turned and burned in me for years. They gave birth to a idea which became a concept and before all is said and done it will be actual entity. LonelyNites Unlimited, a friend jokingly said it sounded like a porn company. He got a good laugh with that. LonelyNites is the child of my pain, solitude and confusion from years past. Poems created in my lowest moments, heartbreak that can't be expressed thru 808's, depression that ran thru my body and woke me up in the middle of the nite to write poems too honest for many blacC men to admit it.

And when it's all said and done.....I'd still lay it all on the line for them. For her...... John 15:13 says Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. And if she needed it I'd lay it down no question. I guess thats just me. This is how my mind works....24/7, 365, constant motion......I love them, I hope they still love me, I miss them, I hope they still miss me......

I don't know, this blog was random and unexpected.My car is covered in snow again so I'm out.