Season of Change

**Not Obama related**

It's been a funky week for me. I don't like saying things are bad because as I look around I can see that I'm very blessed in the grand scheme of things. With that being said I've had my heart, soul and mind put on alert this week and it warrants some legitimate thought and some levels of adjustment to see that certain events are not repeated. I feel like although it's only February, that I've been through a couple months already. So, lets break it down.

My soul is where my loyalty lies. It's a a tried and tested aspect of my character that has defined who I am BUT it's put me in twisted situations were I put myself in a negative space to better get someone else into a more positive space. This week a good friend that I've been holding down for years, through little club hustles, through jail and now into legit business.Needed a short term (36-48hr) loan of $400.It's the second time such a situation came up. Not for any B.S but trying to pursue his business.Last time he had the money and merely needed help making reservations cuz he has no credit card at the moment.It worked out well. This time it didn't.An intended short term loan turned into a situation that is still ongoing, looks like it'll be handled tomorrow, but due to the length of time this took it jammed me up on a few bills and added stress to the week that wasn't needed. My loyalty to a friend that didn't have his shit together cost me a lot this week. God provided a solution in the form of a caring friend (Thanks Batgirl) but I'm taking this as a lesson that I can no longer give all I have and out myself in a hole for everyone else. Cuz the fact is that for whatever reason, I don't get folk throwing themselves into my issues to save me so after years of giving I think God has told me that "Every time I say yes to something unimportant I'm saying no to something important" Lesson Learned.

My mind is a lil boggled with the instability of the economy. I'm seeing certain things creep closer and closer to home and its pushing me into action. I'm stepping up my schedule of preparation to make some real employment improvements. This is actually the easiest of all my stresses this week.

My heart has been in an odd place. I'm someone that thinks, thinks, over thinks, analysis's and reminisces. I've been having dreams and flasbacCs to past people and especially one that has had a very special place through A LOT of things that hurt me more then I ever let on. It's funny when I think of how long its been and this person's influence on me is still strong.Especially now with the lacC of communication and contact(in comparison to how things were). I don't know I just stay thinking and missing and wondering. I wonder if its mutual. Does she do anything remotely similar to what I'm doing? And for some reason I can't help but think she's not. She always been desired and I feel like that space that attention is most likely being provided by someone soooooo out of sight out of mind, maybe???? Who knows.....I wonder if y'all ladies rank ya men. I mean, not rank like it's a sport but clearly you feel stronger for some then others. What about on a more specific level. Do you ever say yeah he was the best kisser, bu the was a best hugger, he was the best conversationalist. I know when talking to a person directly you're not going to say THAT kind of thing. "Yeah Jason I like you but my other boyfriend was a lil better with that then you." So yeah it's usually pretty P.C in person but in that private space I think we all do it. I wonder if I'm #1 on any of her categories.....I admit to myself that the course of events that make up past with her effects me more then I let people in on. Love makes me nervous because every time I've loved or thought I was loved, I was front row for demotion and replacement. It suxx and I dont like how I hold on to those feelings. I've gotten over them but in the silence of the nite I don't know If I'll ever get past that, but I can admit that the need to know whats happening in her world is something I've learned to control better. Years ago I'd be flying thru the world wide web searching for answers. History tells me that when you go searching for things he'll usually find it. I don't need that....not again.So I work to remain still. I try my best.

My annual recharge is approaching and I really need it. In the end I believe that I'll make it through all this better, stronger, wiser.......that's the plan.