Rambling on Hump Day

Sometimes I just have to sit and think. I wonder why I do the things I do. I many times wonder just how my actions are perceived. Few people get me and how I move. Others question why I don’t take more advantage of certain positions I’m in. There are those that I honestly feel just tolerate me in a cordial manner but could really care less if I’m around or not. Not mad at that, its reality. It’s weird how I find myself double guessing, doubting, and at times going against my natural instincts. It’s said that it’s easier to be cold, mean and uncaring but I think I’ve grown past that stage. I see negativity as being so much harder to deal with and so oppressive to your environment. I just don’t see why I’d elect to dwell in that. So, I’m Mr Nice guy but that’s nothing new, my actions are done 1^st from the heart because I try to treat folk how I’d like to be treated. Yes, how I’d like to be treated which alludes to the fact that I’m not really treated like that. So while I don’t seek a specific reaction from the things I do. I ALWAYS am aware of what the response is. Again not due to expectation but as to better monitor who I give and direct energy too. Are you someone that says “Good Morning” to people? Do you randomly check on your peoples to make sure their ok? Yeah? That’s nice……you ever stop and see how many do the same towards you? Is the number relatively even? No? It drops off a bit? Yeah I hate when that happens too. 

Anyway, is it just assumed that communication with the opposite HAS to have a sexual side meaning? Perhaps I need to befriend some flat chested mid western white women so my every move doesn’t have a suspicious eye on it. But the eyes have been watching for years, no reason to think they’ll stop now. I honestly feel that I keep a pretty diverse group of friends. I surround myself and populate my inner circle with powerful respective people, many who are females. They know what it is so that’s all that matters. If I’m seen chatting with anyone who’s pretty, curves are too on point, chest too large, hair too curly or I’m being "too nice" it’s gotta be something....right?. Sometimes I have to remind myself that many people overlook or are oblivious to my background and just how accustomed I am to female's physically. Counting and collecting money in a stripper locker room or office will do that to you……among other things.  I can truthfully say I’m a social guy and have no issue speaking with and being around attractive folk. I control my actions at the end of the day. 

I was an ugly duckling (as were most people) so I can appreciate both sides of things. I’m cool with models and mothers, singers and strippers, artists and asshole, that’s life. In the end it’s all funny to me. I don’t ever fight or argue over it. I’ll let you think I’m trying to do something while I’m in my home alone reading comic books. The general population should be thankful that my "less female sensitive side" was short lived yrs ago. Someone of my intelligence could cause a lot of damage without restraints in place. Lord believe me that it’s not always easy to NOT do something but that’s the battle you wage daily. It’s what enables me to be “real”. Not in the “I’m keeping it real” sense but in the “I don’t want to be a hypocrite” sense. 

I begin working with my church's Sunday School this Sunday. Easter Sunday, the biblical importance is evident but for me it’s a giving back. While talking this over with people I said that I wasn’t getting my self up and extra 3-4 hrs earlier on Sunday just to recite old bible stories to these kids. I need to connect real life, our reality to a faith based on a time extreme and foreign to us. These young adults I’ll be dealing with, Middle School/High School students I believe are in the cross hairs of a lot of things. You have young boys thinking their men…..young girls thinking their women and I throw myself into the mix to attempt to effect change. NO ONE knows the full extent to things I’ve been involved in. Various people know some, NOBODY knows all. And to make the needed points with these kids I may need to share some of the darker corners of me just so they can connect and see how it all relates. There is always a bigger picture. My moves are never singular or random. Pieces to the puzzle, chess moves, turns to solve the rubics cube. But, y’all just assume I’m a 6ft 5in 225lbs flirt. Ok I can live with that. Lol. People always understand after the fact , that is how it works with me. So you don’t need to get it right now….