Look What You've Made Me.......

It's funny what one conversation can do to/for you. Having a casual chat with good company then finding yourself in a personal moment of self examination and deep perspective change. 

Let's set the stage a bit. I'm a 31 yr old man......a Black Man........a Black Man in America. That's what I am. It is not all that I am but if you ask me how I view myself then that's what you'll get. That comes with much good, much bad, much ugly. To this point in my life everyone I've dealt with understood what that means without need of explanation or clarification. In my world pre Toronto, that was just how it was. There was never a questioning of that. Issues of race come up all the time but always with the understanding of where I was coming from. As America's 1st Black President prepares for re-election season, the nation's racial tensions have been on an extreme wave that I've never seen before....case in point Trayvon Martin. Trayvon's name sparks those sensitive convo's pretty consistently. That was the case last Saturday.....

For the first time in my life the color based ideals, identifications and safety measures that Black folk in the states automatically understand with a mere look were questioned. Anyone with a conscience knows that a case like Trayvon's should not be about the race of a young boy vs a grown man, but it was......I wish the news reports were able to focus on a young man's life vs a young black man's life. So here I am  trying to explain if not rationalize the view of the world I've been conditioned to have. "Just got over it", from the outside looking in it makes the simplest sense to brush off the past bullshit and keep it pushing for the benefit of us all. But we know that's not reality, at least not mine. I always say that if America is a tree that it roots are grounded in so much blood and violence that its near impossible to not get an effect in the fruit it bares. 

How many of you reading this had THAT talk from your parents or some other elder about how you have to approach certain people or prepare to be viewed by others? My dad had that talk with me at various points of my upbringing. One of the last talks was not long after I got my truck back in late 2001. No sooner did he prepare me then I was getting pulled out and questioned as to how I had the vehicle I had. Y'all get it.

So how many of you are parents yourself? Do you intend to have that talk with your own child? Have you had it already. That question was posed to me along with the thought that as long as this mind set is passed along to younger generations that no progress away from this discrimination will ever be made. In theory that's right. But this is where it got emotional for me. Family is everything to me. As such I get why as painful as it must be to accept, my dad HAD to prepare me for this just as I most likely will HAVE to do the same should I have a young son. My job is the protection of my family. I imagine me having a son and not telling him the ways of the land he lives in. Telling him that the playing field is even and fair. Sending him into the world hoping that this will begin the cycle of change towards the positive. Then he comes home to me.....scared, trembling, teary eyed because a cop stopped him and said he looked suspicious, put hands on him as my boy demanded to be treated "equal". He looks to me, the man most in charge of his protection in this world and wonders why I didn't warn him. Why I let him go out unprepared for life. This isn't even the worse case scenario. In America how we deal with these encounters is a life or death issue. As a grown man I can easily be snuffed out tonight if a random encounter takes place with the wrong officer. It may not solve anything but I'll be damned if I don't give me child all the knowledge needed for survival. 

It had hit me. In the midst of passionately expressing why I have to do this, I was shaken to my core at the realization that my mind was warped. My perspective so twisted that the idea of anything else was beyond foreign to me....Look what America has done to me.....this isn't right. And in the presence of those fortunate enough to not have this view on things I felt alone. It's a common saying that we sometimes laugh at things to keep from crying over them. I understand that so much better now. Like an endangered animal I'm primed by the need to survive. It's what makes me the ideal guardian of so many of my people. It's an extension of what I already feel that I have to do. Sad isn't it.....

That night was also the Jam4Jamaica fund raising event I had been working on and it came at the ideal time. The Caribbean tunes gave me that connect to ease what I was feeling. The collection of warm spirits and smiling faces brought me back to a calm state.

So what now?....I'm still me. Still a proud New Yorker....and Black Man. I will always be that, but as I came into 2012 looking to expand on various levels, I now see where the value of travel will come into play for me. Just as crazy as our neighbors up north can look at us as I wonder what others think. More importantly I wonder what I will think once I'm among other folk of other nations? I'm funny in that things have to happen to me when I'm ready for it. You can mention something to me and I'll store it away and when the time is right it hits me with all the impact it was intended to have when 1st mentioned to me. I've watched Evita change her life via the avenue of international travel and while it was always cool to me it was never a need. It's became a need a now. On my terms......

This was just one of the exchanges I had that really set off waves of change in me while out of the country. I've said thank you and expressed appreciation so much that I fear being an annoyance saying it again but the value of what was put in my head and heart a week ago can not be understated. The embodiment of motivation.....that's an understatement.A blessing via the Tribe.