Summer Update Vlog....It's Life

Summer Update on the Blvd: How's Life Treating You from Nightfall 914 on Vimeo.

Re Evaluating Myself

How do you feel so low yet feel so high at the same time.....

The depths of current situations plunging me into the abyss.....

The potential of life building steps moving upwards towards greatness....

So much of what I've defined myself by I'm questioning now....

It will either be the greatest validation or the most painful reality check yet.

Look What You've Made Me.......

It's funny what one conversation can do to/for you. Having a casual chat with good company then finding yourself in a personal moment of self examination and deep perspective change. 

Let's set the stage a bit. I'm a 31 yr old man......a Black Man........a Black Man in America. That's what I am. It is not all that I am but if you ask me how I view myself then that's what you'll get. That comes with much good, much bad, much ugly. To this point in my life everyone I've dealt with understood what that means without need of explanation or clarification. In my world pre Toronto, that was just how it was. There was never a questioning of that. Issues of race come up all the time but always with the understanding of where I was coming from. As America's 1st Black President prepares for re-election season, the nation's racial tensions have been on an extreme wave that I've never seen before....case in point Trayvon Martin. Trayvon's name sparks those sensitive convo's pretty consistently. That was the case last Saturday.....

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Reflections......

Ever been so frustrated...so disappointed with yourself that you just avoid mirrors cuz you dont want to look at yourself? I imagine "me" of 10-11 yrs ago and wonder what he'd think....I know what he'd think. 

How could you? :( 

Quis custodiet ipsos custode

Too Extreme?????

Role Play? Giving Up of Control? To What Lengths????? The Mask May Be a Bit Much. LOL

It's All Human Nature

Sitting back I glance at the television, 40+ inches of HD details makes the images so clear.....so there's no avoiding the vile things airing on networks ranging from ESPN to CNN. The faces of Power, Good, Bad and the Ugly are everywhere.

I observe things. I'm a people watcher 24/7. Those I deal with personally and those I see from a distance. There is a consistency of how power and/or the attempts to gain power effect people. Some folk gain power through their infectious spirit. They stand for something and the force of their will attracts those of a like mind. This can result in the formation of local tribes, cults, religions, government,etc....There does come a point where a leader or a group hit that power ceiling. The ceiling is the point where power is manageable yet still within the checks and balances of the people below. Unfortunately, few people are satisfied with the ceiling. They crash through it showering sharp glass and debris on the people they are supposed to be working with and for.

Hit the jump for a social review of the hunger for power...

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Me vs My Truck

Guess what happens someone 230lbs tries pushing something 2000+ lbs????

The Murderer of Malcolm awaits his Freedom

The man who killed El Hajj Malik El Shabazz a.k.a. Malcolm X in cold blood, is set to be released from jail.

Thomas Hagan is the only man to admit to assassinating the leader and was found guilty of murder for his shooting death on February 21, 1965 on the stage of the Audubon Ballroom.

The convicted killer was granted parole on March 3rd and is now scheduled to be released on April 28th.

Before being granted parole, he was allowed to spend 12 hours a week in a work release program and allowed to spend time at home with his wife and kids.

X was speaking to a crowd of his followers when he was gunned down by Hagan, Norman 3X Butler and Thomas 15X Johnson.

Hagan was shot in the leg by one of X's bodyguards and almost beaten to death by the crowd

Looking back........

Damn, you ever look back at a period of time or a situation and just shake ya head at what was going on. Back in the Myspace world about 2 yrs ago when I was actually blogging there. I had a 5 pt vlog vent session. The vid quality isn't what my current vids are so excuse the blurry sounds. Part 1 here and just continue to pt 5 if you want.

Anyway, I look at this and I notice the tone of my voice. And given the situation of my recently ended relationship, I can see how bothered I was by it. Another reminder of a painful cycle I had been in for years. I almost gets me mad to see that emotion now. Not that anything is wrong with emotion. Love has that effect but yet......I don't know. I'll be damn if I make a vlog like that again. I've always made it a point to forgive but not forget. To forget means the lesson is lost and the lesson to valuable to become lost. So, I kept that lesson deep inside as this same person tried to pop back up again for support this past spring. That just ended up being some b.s.....and I was expecting it.

But it's exactly as I've said to people before. Love has earned my respect but I refuse to get used and abused by it again. In watching vids like this and reading the various poems I've written over the years it highlights just how much I've grown and the different way I look at and approach the idea of a relationship.

So many lessons learned....

"Leave it up to me while I be living proof To kick the truth to the young black youth..."

Torture....

We all have the ability to hurt. Causing pain is in us long before the concept of forgiveness. But torture is to take delight and placing a person or persons in a position of pain or discomfort. Many times they are in no immediate position to stop this torture either.

I laid in my bed last night feeling that sort of pain. I'm a protector. I always have been and I always will. "Guardian" inked on my arm for over a decade. And out stand of my family there's few a people that fall under that next level of protection. That's the Love circle which is home to my "people". Anyway, last night after reading the blog of one of these people I felt a pain, a confusion and a since of helplessness that was pure torture to me. Cripple a basketball player in his prime then place him front row at the NBA playoffs, bring a new born baby to a woman that just had a miscarriage,etc,etc..you get the point. Watching the hurt and discomfort of my people and not being able to ease it tortures me.


The comic panels I've inserted throughout this post kind of show a dramatic version of what I feel. Coincidentally the black guy in the story is a Jason as well, who is being force to watch the murder of his Love at the hands of this evil undead being. Now obviously, I"m not worried about super powered zombies hurting the person in question but similarly to the comic, when cries of love can't do anything, when faced with the idea of never being able to see or experience interactions with someone that means a lot to you......it's torture.


Now there is a flip side to this. The classic whatever doesn't kill only makes you stronger belief and I do subscribe to that. I forgot who said this to me but I was told that sometimes the biggest test for a person that always wants to help out is knowing when to stand still and let people help themselves. I've always had trouble with that because I ALWAYS act. Even if it puts me in a bad position I'd rather that I be in that spot then them, so that idea is still something I'm working on.


The best thing I can do is remember what Evita told me the other day. That "everything will work itself out." She's real big on the Universe effecting things and the Laws of Attraction and what not. She's doing big things so I'll take her word and try to let life run it's natural course.

It's just hard to watch sometimes.......